Some fun jokes for you.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me!
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician!
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
The bible was written by the same people who said the earth was flat.
This isnt work, its Hell with Fluorescent lights.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you havent fallen asleep yet.
[These ones i got from my friend Alex]
Procrastination: The art of keeping up with yesterday.
You dont need a parachute so skydive, you only need a parachute to skydive twice.
I started out with nothing. I still have most of it left.
Department of Redundancy Department
A metaphor is like a simile.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Never mud wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those that think there are two kinds of people in the world, and those that know better.
There's nothing wrong with being short. You may be the last to know when its rains, but you're the first to know when theres a flood.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Two rules in life are deny everything, and now I have no idea what you're talking about.
You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the person you're with.
Einstein said that talking to yourself is a sign of intelligence, however, answering yourself is a sign of insanity.
Top Ten things that sound dirty in law, but aren't:
10.Have you looked through his briefs?
9.He is one hard Judge!
8.Counselor, lets do it in the chambers.
7.Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6.Is it a penal offense?
5.Better leave the handcuffs on.
4.For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3.Can you get him to drop his suit?
2.The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
1.Think you can get me off?
After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an auto accident, it makes you wonder about history.-Unknown
"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.'"
"I got into an argument with my rice crispies. I distinctly hear 'snap, crackle, fuck him'"
"and now they're thinking about banning toy guns, and keeping the fucking real ones!"
"If god intend us not to masturbate, he would have made our arms shorter"
RIP: George Carlin
Some humor with chemistry
"Sex and Acidity"
She looked in the mirror and stared at her face.
It wasn't easy being a base.
All that she wanted was a shoulder to cry on
And a way to remove her hydroxide ion.
Beacause of its stigma, her life was a mess.
She thought that she'd never feel another's caress.
The guys she'd ask out would always say no,
"I ain't goin' out with no bottle of Drano!"
Her molecular orbitals looked so unattractive;
Her hydroxide ion was not yet reactive.
All of her neighbors managed to hate her
Except for her one friend, an indicator.
Her friend would say, "It's tough knowing you.
Wherever we go, you keep me so blue.
But I've got a way to help you score.
Let's escape to the beaker next door."
When they got there, a sign read: "Watch where you go -
The pH in this beaker is really quite low!"
Her friend was attacked by H+ in the head,
And her color turned quickly from blue to red.
The base didn't notice. She had her eye on
A very attractive hydronium ion,
And for the first time in her half-life, 'twas true,
A guy that she liked now wanted her too!
But she moved too fast; she couldn't wait to start.
The next thing she knew she was pulled apart.
The heat from the electrophilic attraction
Made for a big exothermic reaction.
Her friend came to the realization
That the base was a victim of neutralization.
She didn't know her chemistry; 'twas clearly her fault
That now she was nothing but water and salt.
Apparently the base was in violation.
She caused the whole beaker's annihilation.
As the molecular souls drifted to heaven,
The pH returned to a boring old seven.
The moral is that you get a lot more
By studying chemistry than looking to score.
And I gotta admit, though I don't like to preach,
Chemistry's more pHun; that's spelled with a pH!
No more jokes for you! Come back later!